Tag Archives: Valentine

Dicey Valentine’s Day Gifts

For those of you who read our last post about Valentine’s Day Doozies, you know that we want to help you get through the day as painlessly as possible.

That being said, unless you plan on completely blowing off Valentine’s Day, remember to be vigilant when choosing your gifts. We would recommend sticking with the basics. Anything else would be risky at best.

Let’s discuss some dicey gift options, shall we?

  1. Breath mints. Even if they’re cute, heart-shaped mints, this is a volatile gift idea. By giving your partner breath mints, two possible reactions could occur: 1) They’ll smile and say thank you. 2) They’ll hurl the box across the room and shout “Oh my God, you think I have halitosis!” The question is: are you feeling lucky?

  1. Koozies. Particularly ones that are designed to fit a 40-oz. bottle of malt liquor and made to look like a brown paper bag. Stay away from these. They scream “I think you’re an alcoholic!”

  1. Mugs. And not just any mugs: impractical toilet bowl mugs. Don’t give a “crappy” Valentine’s Day gift. Although, if it makes a flushing sound when you take a sip, that might actually be funny… for a brief second.

  1. Books. The Twilight series = popular. A book called What’s Your Poo Telling You? = grounds to get banished to the couch. Yes, this is an actual book. It even comes with an activity workbook on Amazon. Don’t do it.

  1. Bath and body products. Those from The Body Shop or Bath and Body Works would most likely be harmless. But, we’d urge you to skip the bacon lip balm and body gel from a novelty store. Whoever you give these products to would make your mouth water every time they walk by (perhaps not such a bad idea after all). Unfortunately, they’d probably make you crave a BLT. And in the heat of the moment, this could be hazardous, especially if you’re hungry: you might inadvertently bite them and draw blood.

 

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14 Valentine’s Day Doozies

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, people should be able to go out, have fun, and enjoy it. We would hate for anyone to ruin their chance for romance, so here are 14 things to avoid doing and saying at all costs:

  1. “I know it may look like someone else’s name was scratched out at the top of your Valentine’s Day card. But, it’s not that. I got it on clearance, so it had some writing in it already.”
  2. “I’m so glad you were available tonight. I can’t believe my ex cancelled on me at the last minute.”
  3. “How can pants make you look fat? If you’re fat, you’re fat. Just wear anything. Your clothes aren’t going to alter reality one way or another.”
  4. “What’s that smell? Oh God, you didn’t try to bake me cookies again did you?”
  5. “The Ross sales sticker must have come off something else I bought, and then somehow gotten stuck to your box of candy.”
  6. “Last year my date stood me up, so I’m glad I finally have someone to give these chocolates to.”
  7. “I’ve only got about 10 bucks on me. Either you can pay for dinner, and I’ll get you back next time, or we can go to McDonald’s and order off the dollar menu.”
  8. “French fries? Are you sure you don’t want the salad? There are a lot less calories in the salad.”
  9. “What time is it? If I eat onions after 8, I’ll be gassy all night.”
  10. “I have to make a call. My dog gets lonely. I like to leave him a message on the answering machine periodically, so he can hear my voice.”
  11. “I really should get going. If I don’t make it home by 10, my mom will freak out and think something happened to me.”
  12. “I’m pushing 40, and I really haven’t gotten any valentines except from my parents. Anyway, what do you think about marriage and kids?”
  13. “So, you want to come back to my place for… uh… coffee?” *wink*
  14. “How do you feel about herpes? Who doesn’t have it these days, am I right?”

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