Tag Archives: letters

Letters to Our Cat

This blog post is dedicated to all you cat people out there, and our blogosphere bestie, Cassie Behle (and her cat Chloe), who is unfortunately too busy with wedding planning to dedicate herself to her blog right now. Don’t worry Cass, we fully understand that wedding planning and dealing with diamonds and cake take priority over writing blog posts about cat crap and hairballs. We certainly do not want to see you turn into a crazy-old-spinster who dies and has her face eaten off by 50 cats. Yes, it happens!

Now onto our regularly-scheduled blog post: Letters to Our Cat…

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Dear Cat,

Effective immediately, you will stop going around the house as if you own it. You do not own it. We pay the bills. Stop annoyingly scratching at closed doors, turning on and off light switches, taunting the dog, biting the leaves off our plants, and eating our breakfast when it sits out on the counter.

If you cannot come to terms with this arrangement, we will be forced to evict you.

Sincerely,

Management (Your Owners)

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Dear Management (My Owners),

Effective immediately, you will stop telling me what to do. I don’t care if you own this house.

If you can’t come to terms with this arrangement, I will be forced to stare at you creepily in the dark every night while you sleep, pee on your favorite rug, vomit in your shoes, tear up your new bedspread, and poop in hard to reach places in the back of your closet.

Sincerely,

Cat

AngryCat

I have amazing resilience. I can stare all night and scare the bejesus out of you when you wake up.

Dear Cat,

You son of a @*&%#. You better sleep with one eye open, cat. One eye open!

Sincerely,

Management (Your Now-Very-Pissed-Off-Owners-Who-Will-Start-Forgetting-to-Feed-You-On-Time)

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Dear Management (My Owners-Who-Are-Now-Very-Pissed-Off-and-Own-a-Cat-Who-Is-Also-Now-Very-Pissed-Off),

I just used the litterbox and then cleaned my paws off on your pillows. I also beat up the other “sweet” cat that you make me share my room with against my will. FYI- beatings will continue until your attitudes improve.

Sincerely,

Cat

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Dear Cat,

We are throwing you out!

Sincerely,

Management (Your Almost-Happy Owners)

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Dear Management (My Almost-Happy Owners),

I scratched the hoods of all the cars parked in the garage. I peed on the wheels too. Since my diet has changed, I have also been experiencing intestinal discomfort. Hope you don’t mind the mess, but sometimes I can’t quite make it out of the garage in time, if you know what I mean. Can I come back inside?

Sincerely,

Cat

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Note: no further letters have been written at this time. Speculation is that owners are in therapy. Periodically, neighbors have reported seeing them running circles around their house, screaming and flailing back and forth in hysteria, chasing what appears to be a small–and very fast–cat.

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