Tag Archives: Holidays

Post-Holiday Meltdown

Is it just me, or do the holidays get more expensive and exhausting every year?

By now, if you haven’t spent your entire paycheck, come down with the flu, sold a kidney, or lost your mind, I’d say you’re in pretty good shape and coping quite well with your postholiday meltdown so far.

I really don’t understand how Christmas has become so expensive and exhausting over the years, especially if the purpose of the holiday is supposed to be getting together with loved ones and celebrating Jesus’ birthday.

The other week, I was sitting next to a kid in a waiting room who was coloring a picture of the nativity scene. I complimented him on his artwork and how well he colored the baby Jesus. He looked up at me with a bewildered look and shouted “WHO THE HECK IS BABY JESUS?” I told him that baby Jesus was the little guy in the manger who he was coloring with the dark red crayon. He lit up instantly, grinning from ear to ear, and yelled “NO, THAT’S SANTA!” Now that’s just sad.

Speaking of Santa, I kind of recall kids asking the old man in red for much simpler things back in the day… like Hot Wheels or Barbie dolls. These days, it’s all about iPods, iPads, and other costly gadgets. I feel sorry for all the parents out there, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the fallout from all this is a rise in alcohol consumption and adult tantrums.

I know I’m probably going to sound a bit Kardashian-like here, but being Santa is extremely tiring. It’s incredibly strenuous having to run around shopping for gifts, attending parties, and entertaining out-of-town guests, all the while maintaining a jolly attitude. I justify going around smiling, being kind to others, and spreading Christmas cheer as my annual cardio workout and community service.

Believe me when I say that Santa has a rough gig, but baby Jesus has it made. Baby Jesus gets to spend all day drinking and relaxing in a crib while people visit and adore him. Who in their right mind would rather be Santa than Baby Jesus on Christmas?!

Not me. While other people are out playing Santa every year—caroling and spreading the Christmas spirit—I’ll be kicking back in my crib with some eggnog, watching “Die Hard” marathons on TV, and grunting intermittently from the couch to signal the family I’m still alive.

Despite the usual caroling, shopping, and other Santa-inspired nonsense, I actually do look forward to Christmas dinner each year. There’s just something special about it, a certain je ne se quoi, if you will.

These are a few of the things that I think make Christmas dinner so special every year:

  • One of your relatives will always get too inebriated during dinner, resulting in intriguing conversations; fearless actions (i.e. awkward hip gyrations and ass slaps); inappropriate outbursts (i.e. “I’ve got your taters right here swinging, baby!”); and overall bickering when voices that should be inner voices end up on speakerphone.

 “I was just saying that cranberry is good for a urinary tract infection. That’s it. It’s a perfectly acceptable dinner conversation. I mean, we’re eating cranberries for God’s sake!”

 “You brought a Democrat to dinner? Jesus Christ! Have you lost your damn mind?! I need some more scotch!”

  • Someone will bring a dessert they made that looks and/or tastes absolutely disgusting (yes, worse than fruitcake). You should prepare yourself in advance to expect a strange concoction to arrive at the dinner table from someone “trying a new recipe” which ultimately looks like something scooped from a baby’s diaper.
  • Speaking of fruitcake, there’s always at least two in attendance on Christmas: 1) most likely one of your relatives (refer to the first item above) and 2) an actual fruitcake made with those rubbery chunks of artificially-colored fruit that defy the natural world as we know it.

I’m happy to report that I accomplished quite a bit over the holidays this year, but I’m sad to report that my postholiday meltdown so far entails a bad case of the flu. Unfortunately, it’s not how I planned on ringing in the New Year, and not exactly what I had in mind for “out with the old, in with the new,” but oh well.

I wish all of you a healthy and prosperous 2013, and please, let’s all take a moment of silence to give thanks to vodka for getting us through another year! Cheers!

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Filed under Silva Nuggets (Random)

It’s My Birthday, and I’ll Cry if I Want To

Aaah birthday… we meet again.

Hey birthday, after I’m done beating up this copy machine, you’re next!

Birth·day noun (ˈbərth-ˌdā)—definition: an event to commemorate not doing anything particularly noteworthy in the past 12 months since the last birthday, and now being one step closer to death.

 

Or something like that.

In my family, as in many others, birthday tradition dictated that the birthday boy or girl got to have the cake of their choice and make a birthday wish while blowing out a candle. My parents always had an overabundant supply of cake mix and candles on hand for birthdays, including those annoying trick candles that continued to relight themselves after being blown out.

I really hated those stupid candles. Even with my face right next to the cake, forcing my breath to a maximum velocity, I could never trump those things. My family and friends also tried to help me blow them out to no avail. As far as I was concerned, blowing out trick birthday candles could have qualified as an Olympic sport.

We ended up having to throw the candles in a cup of water to keep them from relighting, and people didn’t even want to eat the cake anymore since the frosting was undoubtedly covered in a smorgasbord of spit and other projectiles.

I suppose it could have been worse. I could have gotten an Eggo waffle with a votive candle or a cigarette in it for my birthday instead, accompanied by a disappointing last minute gift such as a can of Campbell’s Soup wrapped in newspaper.

Aaaw, how thoughtful! You shouldn’t have!

 

In retrospect, I’ve been very fortunate and thankful that my family made such a big deal out of birthdays.

The other night, as my birthday evening was winding down, I realized that I had yet to blow out a candle and eat cake. In anticipation of my birthday grand finale and years of tradition, I asked the hubby “Ooo, what kind of cake did you get me?!”

He looked at me with a bewildered, deer in the headlights kind of look and replied: “Yeeah. I kinda forgot the cake this time, but there’s a half a tomato in the fridge.”

I threw my hands up in the air, waved them dramatically, and exclaimed: “Wha- what?! Are you for real?! You’re putting my candle in a week-old Roma tomato?!”

And so the night went cakeless.

Don’t worry. Although he forgot the cake, the hubby did present me with a candle in a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s along with concert tickets to see Lady Antebellum, Thompson Square and Darius Rucker, thereby redeeming himself and saving all of us from having to split a moldy tomato.

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Filed under Chronicles of Marriage

Dicey Valentine’s Day Gifts

For those of you who read our last post about Valentine’s Day Doozies, you know that we want to help you get through the day as painlessly as possible.

That being said, unless you plan on completely blowing off Valentine’s Day, remember to be vigilant when choosing your gifts. We would recommend sticking with the basics. Anything else would be risky at best.

Let’s discuss some dicey gift options, shall we?

  1. Breath mints. Even if they’re cute, heart-shaped mints, this is a volatile gift idea. By giving your partner breath mints, two possible reactions could occur: 1) They’ll smile and say thank you. 2) They’ll hurl the box across the room and shout “Oh my God, you think I have halitosis!” The question is: are you feeling lucky?

  1. Koozies. Particularly ones that are designed to fit a 40-oz. bottle of malt liquor and made to look like a brown paper bag. Stay away from these. They scream “I think you’re an alcoholic!”

  1. Mugs. And not just any mugs: impractical toilet bowl mugs. Don’t give a “crappy” Valentine’s Day gift. Although, if it makes a flushing sound when you take a sip, that might actually be funny… for a brief second.

  1. Books. The Twilight series = popular. A book called What’s Your Poo Telling You? = grounds to get banished to the couch. Yes, this is an actual book. It even comes with an activity workbook on Amazon. Don’t do it.

  1. Bath and body products. Those from The Body Shop or Bath and Body Works would most likely be harmless. But, we’d urge you to skip the bacon lip balm and body gel from a novelty store. Whoever you give these products to would make your mouth water every time they walk by (perhaps not such a bad idea after all). Unfortunately, they’d probably make you crave a BLT. And in the heat of the moment, this could be hazardous, especially if you’re hungry: you might inadvertently bite them and draw blood.

 

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Filed under Silva Nuggets (Random)

14 Valentine’s Day Doozies

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, people should be able to go out, have fun, and enjoy it. We would hate for anyone to ruin their chance for romance, so here are 14 things to avoid doing and saying at all costs:

  1. “I know it may look like someone else’s name was scratched out at the top of your Valentine’s Day card. But, it’s not that. I got it on clearance, so it had some writing in it already.”
  2. “I’m so glad you were available tonight. I can’t believe my ex cancelled on me at the last minute.”
  3. “How can pants make you look fat? If you’re fat, you’re fat. Just wear anything. Your clothes aren’t going to alter reality one way or another.”
  4. “What’s that smell? Oh God, you didn’t try to bake me cookies again did you?”
  5. “The Ross sales sticker must have come off something else I bought, and then somehow gotten stuck to your box of candy.”
  6. “Last year my date stood me up, so I’m glad I finally have someone to give these chocolates to.”
  7. “I’ve only got about 10 bucks on me. Either you can pay for dinner, and I’ll get you back next time, or we can go to McDonald’s and order off the dollar menu.”
  8. “French fries? Are you sure you don’t want the salad? There are a lot less calories in the salad.”
  9. “What time is it? If I eat onions after 8, I’ll be gassy all night.”
  10. “I have to make a call. My dog gets lonely. I like to leave him a message on the answering machine periodically, so he can hear my voice.”
  11. “I really should get going. If I don’t make it home by 10, my mom will freak out and think something happened to me.”
  12. “I’m pushing 40, and I really haven’t gotten any valentines except from my parents. Anyway, what do you think about marriage and kids?”
  13. “So, you want to come back to my place for… uh… coffee?” *wink*
  14. “How do you feel about herpes? Who doesn’t have it these days, am I right?”

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Filed under Silva Nuggets (Random)

Meowy Christmas!

Traci: “Aaaw! Samuel is all decorated and posing for Christmas! How cute!”

 

Mike: “Actually, it looks like he got into the decorations and the tree sap, and now he’s stuck to the wall.”

 

Traci: “Oh geez, not again.”

 

Happy Holidays from the Silva Gang!

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Filed under Furry Tales