Tag Archives: conversations

A Tribute to Mayo

Every time I see a bottle of mayo, it makes me smile.

And, not just any mayo: the Best Foods mayo. It is truly the best.

I blame my infatuation with mayo on my Hawaii upbringing. The Hawaii locals love their mayo, and they can put it on just about anything. I think that I disgust most people (who aren’t from Hawaii, of course) with the amount of things on which I am capable of putting mayo. For instance, I can make a salad dressing out of it as a vegetable dip. I also enjoy mixing it with mustard or ketchup to go with french fries. And, when I put it on a sandwich, I really lay it on thick.

There are times at the dining room table when I am eating something with mayo on it, and the hubby just stares at me with one of the following facial expressions:

MikesFaces

It is usually accompanied by a sigh.

I assume that he is having one or more of the following thoughts:

  1. She is going to die of a heart attack before the age of 40.
  2. She is going to turn into a big fatty who will stay home all day and soak herself in a tub full of mayo.
  3. I can barely stomach my own meal while watching her slather her food with mayo like that.
  4. That mayo cost me six bucks a bottle, and she just ate two bucks.

In the past, the hubby has tried to sneakily swap out my regular mayo for light or generic mayo for my sandwiches, but he is always unsuccessful. I have spydee sense and superpowers when it comes to mayo. I can spot a fake mayo a mile away, and I am merciless if a bottle of fake mayo ends up in my house. In that respect, you can just call me “The Mayonator.” I will rip apart a fake mayo bottle with ease, destroying its contents immediately, like The Incredible Hulk tearing off a t-shirt.

Sometimes people (like my hubby) just have to learn to let go, and stop trying to force logic on an illogical world. Some things are totally unexplainable. For instance:

  1. My intense love for mayo.
  2. Why The Incredible Hulk always busted out of his t-shirt, but never his pants.
  3. Why Donald Trump thinks his fake hair looks fine, and Dolly Parton, Donatella Versace, and Kenny Loggins all think their plastic surgeries look normal.
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12 Comments

Filed under Stories from the Stomach

No Pain, No Gain (or Hell as We Call It)

In an attempt to keep myself healthy and fit, I started seeing a naturopathic doctor (N.D.) who specializes in a more holistic approach to wellness. I guess you can also say that I was getting tired of prescription drug-pushing western medicine doctors. I figured that if I have the ability to drive a car while simultaneously curling my eyelashes, applying eyeliner and lipstick, texting, and eating a breakfast sandwich, I must also have the ability to heal myself naturally.

I’ve gotten all these great vitamins to take to stay healthy. They are natural supplements made up of ingredients like stuff that tastes like crap arabic gum, beet root, and some random animal parts… but I swear to you, they work.

Nothing like starting the day with some A-F Betafood. And yes, these are for me, not for my pet fish.

The other day, the hubby had a stomach ache, and the Tums tablets weren’t working. So, I came to the rescue and gave him a few of my natural digestive supplements:

Me: “Take the pills. I swear you’ll feel much better.”

Mike: “I don’t want to take that crap.”

Me: “Just take them, and stop being a baby.”

Mike (taking a couple pills out of my hand and smelling them): “Ugh! They smell like an outhouse on a tuna boat.”

Me: “Oh quit whining, and take them already.”

Mike (chewing the pills slowly): “These are nasty! What are these supposed to be?!”

Me: “I don’t know. Some natural stuff. Like kale and cow thyroid glands. Just drink some water to wash it down.”

Mike: “These are seriously disgusting. It’s like I’m eating horse manure out of an ashtray.”

Me: “You’ve done worse.”

Mike (pointing to the bottle of pills): “I’m never eating those again.”

Me: “Fine. I’ll be the only one who stays healthy in this house from taking these vitamins.”

Mike (with one eyebrow raised): “Mmm hmm… says the woman who washes down her vitamins with beer.”

*Silence*

Mike: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Well played, husband. Well played. I just hope my N.D. isn’t reading this blog post right now, or I’m in big trouble.

16 Comments

Filed under Chronicles of Marriage

I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Driver’s Test

By Haljackey (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Me (to the hubby while driving): “My driver’s license expires soon, and they won’t let me renew it by mail.”

Mike: “I know. It’s a new security procedure. You need to go in and take a written test.”

Me (rolling my eyes): “What?! But, I know how to drive.”

Mike: “I understand. You still need to take the test. By the way, you just sped up to beat that light, and it was already turning red. I suggest you study.”

Me: “Why do I need to study? How hard can a stupid driver’s license test be? Everybody speeds up to beat the red light.”

Mike: “Okay smarty, what did that solid, white line mean that you just crossed in the intersection?”

Me: “I don’t know. It’s like a recommendation not to cross.”

Mike: “You just crossed it while speeding.”

Me: “I don’t like boundaries. I’m more of a color-outside-of-the-lines type of driver.”

Mike: “You’re going to fail.”

Me: “You can cross it with caution. I do it all the time.”

Mike: “Explain that to the police when they pull you over for reckless driving.”

Me: “They won’t even care about my reckless driving when they see that I have an expired license. I’ll just throw a donut out the car window as a distraction. When they go running after it, I’ll make a quick getaway.”

Mike (shaking his head): “I’ll start getting some cash together for your bail money.”

 

Law, shmaw. I don’t need no stinkin’ driver’s test.

What I do need is an appropriate response to a 7×7 blogger award that I just got from Addie over at Betwixt and Between.

Here goes: thank you, Addie, you kick ass. I want you to know that it took me all night to come up with that. You also don’t need to take any driver’s tests if you don’t want to. You’re welcome.

 

The things I have been asked to do as a recipient of this award are:

1. Share something about myself that no one (in the blogging community) knows. I asked the hubby to help me with this one, and he said, “Nobody knows you’re nice. Tell them that. Ha ha.” Punk.

2. Link up to 7 posts of mine that I feel worthy of the pre-determined 7×7 blogger award categories. Fortunately, “Most Gag-Reflex Inducing Piece” wasn’t one of the categories (phew), so things can only go up from here.

3. Pay it forward. The 7×7 blogger award is a hot potato, so I need to pass it on to 7 other wonderful bloggers (my pleasure!):

17 Comments

Filed under Chronicles of Marriage

Conversay-what?!

For those of you who read my last post about conversational challenges during get-togethers, I suppose you can consider this a Part Deux.

As you know, since my husband and I only have cats and dogs, we give partygoers more of a challenge when it comes to conversations. We have started seeing similarities and patterns in what people will talk to us about when they find out we don’t have “real” kids (you know, like the homo sapien kind). Most times, discussions end up revolving around our careers, our pets, or the weather.

Over the years, we’ve gotten some truly disturbing interesting comments and questions about pets.

Here are some of the most memorable:

  • “My cat uses a toilet. I can’t get over the idea that I share a toilet with him, though. I still get startled when I walk into the bathroom in the middle of the night and find him sitting there.”

EXCUSE ME, CAN I GET SOME PRIVACY HERE?!
Courtesy of http://muppet.wikia.com/

  • “Pets are more work than kids sometimes. You can’t just take them with you on trips, because they’re not good travelers. I mean, they can’t even roll their own suitcase.”
  • “My ex-girlfriend’s mom used to have a dog. She used to clean the dog’s butt by dabbing it with a tissue after he went to the bathroom. Gave that poor dog a complex. Now he can’t even look at a box of Kleenex.”

OH NO, NOT A KLEENEX COSTUME! SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
Courtesy of http://www.arlingtonva.us/

  • “All this talk about chocolate being bad for your dog. Bah! I gave my dog M&M’s all the time. He loved them. What? No, he’s not alive anymore.”
  • “I used to have a dog. Poor thing got killed in a car accident. At least it wasn’t a hit and run. My dumbass neighbor ran him over while backing out of his driveway.”
  • “Can you imagine if we ran around like cats and dogs all day long? Dear Lord, we’d never get anything done at work. We’d be too busy tail-chasing, napping at our desk, and looking for random scraps of food. Wow, come to think of it, we’d be just like that guy in Accounting!”
  • “I love cats and dogs. They’re delicious. I’m just kidding. I’ve never eaten a cat.”

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO TUCSON?!
Courtesy of http://bayhorsedesigns.com/

7 Comments

Filed under Furry Tales

After All Is Said and Done

We all experience situations in which we are involved in numerous conversations with different people, especially during get-togethers with those we’ve just met or haven’t seen in quite some time. My husband and I find that during such soirées, pretty much everyone resorts to talking about their kids or grandkids. It’s an easy way for people to keep the conversation going by sharing something familiar and noteworthy.

Since the Silva Gang only comprises furry four-legged kids (cats and dogs, that is), we give partygoers more of a challenge when it comes to conversations. We have no children to discuss, so most of the time, we find ourselves listening to other people drone on about breastfeeding and daycare nightmares.

After a while, people will start asking us about what is going on in our lives. And, since it’s generally considered bad etiquette to ask us about whether or not we are devout church-going Christians, or whether or not we voted for Obama, we find that discussions consistently revert to safer topics such as:

1) The career.

Oh goodie! I love talking about work! Personally, I don’t think I talk about it enough during the 60 hours I spend working. I think the highlight for me this week was when I dozed off and fell out of my chair while trying to meet a deadline. What a rush!

2) The pets.

You would never guess what Fido said to me today on the way to doggie daycare. What a character that Fido! Did you know that he’s also a genius? I think he’s going to make it to Harvard!

3) The weather (which simultaneously signals the demise of the conversation).

Yes, I know, isn’t it extremely shocking that we experience sunlight everyday? And did you hear the reports about those light winds? Whoa! What an anomaly!

Is it just me, or are the questions about religion and politics looking better and better?

There would be less pressure, and discussions would be so much shorter and more interesting if everyone could just text each other at parties… am I right? Who’s with me?

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Filed under Silva Nuggets (Random)