Tag Archives: Christmas

Post-Holiday Meltdown

Is it just me, or do the holidays get more expensive and exhausting every year?

By now, if you haven’t spent your entire paycheck, come down with the flu, sold a kidney, or lost your mind, I’d say you’re in pretty good shape and coping quite well with your postholiday meltdown so far.

I really don’t understand how Christmas has become so expensive and exhausting over the years, especially if the purpose of the holiday is supposed to be getting together with loved ones and celebrating Jesus’ birthday.

The other week, I was sitting next to a kid in a waiting room who was coloring a picture of the nativity scene. I complimented him on his artwork and how well he colored the baby Jesus. He looked up at me with a bewildered look and shouted “WHO THE HECK IS BABY JESUS?” I told him that baby Jesus was the little guy in the manger who he was coloring with the dark red crayon. He lit up instantly, grinning from ear to ear, and yelled “NO, THAT’S SANTA!” Now that’s just sad.

Speaking of Santa, I kind of recall kids asking the old man in red for much simpler things back in the day… like Hot Wheels or Barbie dolls. These days, it’s all about iPods, iPads, and other costly gadgets. I feel sorry for all the parents out there, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the fallout from all this is a rise in alcohol consumption and adult tantrums.

I know I’m probably going to sound a bit Kardashian-like here, but being Santa is extremely tiring. It’s incredibly strenuous having to run around shopping for gifts, attending parties, and entertaining out-of-town guests, all the while maintaining a jolly attitude. I justify going around smiling, being kind to others, and spreading Christmas cheer as my annual cardio workout and community service.

Believe me when I say that Santa has a rough gig, but baby Jesus has it made. Baby Jesus gets to spend all day drinking and relaxing in a crib while people visit and adore him. Who in their right mind would rather be Santa than Baby Jesus on Christmas?!

Not me. While other people are out playing Santa every year—caroling and spreading the Christmas spirit—I’ll be kicking back in my crib with some eggnog, watching “Die Hard” marathons on TV, and grunting intermittently from the couch to signal the family I’m still alive.

Despite the usual caroling, shopping, and other Santa-inspired nonsense, I actually do look forward to Christmas dinner each year. There’s just something special about it, a certain je ne se quoi, if you will.

These are a few of the things that I think make Christmas dinner so special every year:

  • One of your relatives will always get too inebriated during dinner, resulting in intriguing conversations; fearless actions (i.e. awkward hip gyrations and ass slaps); inappropriate outbursts (i.e. “I’ve got your taters right here swinging, baby!”); and overall bickering when voices that should be inner voices end up on speakerphone.

 “I was just saying that cranberry is good for a urinary tract infection. That’s it. It’s a perfectly acceptable dinner conversation. I mean, we’re eating cranberries for God’s sake!”

 “You brought a Democrat to dinner? Jesus Christ! Have you lost your damn mind?! I need some more scotch!”

  • Someone will bring a dessert they made that looks and/or tastes absolutely disgusting (yes, worse than fruitcake). You should prepare yourself in advance to expect a strange concoction to arrive at the dinner table from someone “trying a new recipe” which ultimately looks like something scooped from a baby’s diaper.
  • Speaking of fruitcake, there’s always at least two in attendance on Christmas: 1) most likely one of your relatives (refer to the first item above) and 2) an actual fruitcake made with those rubbery chunks of artificially-colored fruit that defy the natural world as we know it.

I’m happy to report that I accomplished quite a bit over the holidays this year, but I’m sad to report that my postholiday meltdown so far entails a bad case of the flu. Unfortunately, it’s not how I planned on ringing in the New Year, and not exactly what I had in mind for “out with the old, in with the new,” but oh well.

I wish all of you a healthy and prosperous 2013, and please, let’s all take a moment of silence to give thanks to vodka for getting us through another year! Cheers!

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Filed under Silva Nuggets (Random)

Meowy Christmas!

Traci: “Aaaw! Samuel is all decorated and posing for Christmas! How cute!”

 

Mike: “Actually, it looks like he got into the decorations and the tree sap, and now he’s stuck to the wall.”

 

Traci: “Oh geez, not again.”

 

Happy Holidays from the Silva Gang!

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Filed under Furry Tales

It’s the Thought that Counts

 

My husband is always talking about how the family rarely puts any effort into his Christmas gifts. And when I refer to “family,” I mean the cats, the dogs, the fish, and me. He always wants us to make him something special. Like a nice breakfast or dinner. Not like a pillow that is torn in half and has its stuffing strewn all over the living room. In our defense, we were trying to create a white Christmas, but whatever. He wasn’t buying it.


This year, we really wanted to go over the top.

 

Mike (pointing at something on the floor): “What the hell is that?”

 

Me: “You’re always saying that we don’t put any effort into gift giving, and we never make you anything, so the kids and I got together and made you something special.”

 

Mike: “You made me a pile of vomit? I asked for eggplant parmesan.”

 

Me: “Well, technically it started off as a pile of vomit. The dogs aren’t very creative. Then, the cats contributed a hairball and a marble they were playing with. And then I sprayed it with air freshener and threw a paper towel over it. Now it’s more of a work of art. Like a pukeasso. Get it? It’s abstract.”

 

Mike: “Hilarious. If this is your ploy to get me to clean that up, it’s not working. You’re still cleaning it. And then you’re making me eggplant parmesan.”

 

What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever received?

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Filed under Chronicles of Marriage

The Nightmare Before Christmas: Flying for the Holidays

 

‘Twas the nightmare before Christmas, and all through the plane,

The chaos and noise were driving me insane.

 

Big carry-ons were stuffed in bins over my head,

As I thought hopefully none of them crush me dead.

 

All passengers got nestled snug in their chairs,

Especially the ones who had first-class fares (not us).

 

In the seat next to me was an overweight man,

It wasn’t Santa, because his name was Dan.

 

He took up his coach seat plus two inches of mine,

What’s going to happen if he decides to recline?

 

He nodded off and got closer with every breath,

I had serious concerns I’d be smothered to death.

 

As he continued to invade my personal space,

I actually considered using my mace.

 

He started hacking up phlegm and coughing too,

Why’d I get seated next to the guy with swine flu?

 

I repeated to myself: this too shall pass,

Along with all of this guy’s digestive gas.

 

He got up to stretch his legs and stepped on my feet,

Why in the hell didn’t he get an aisle seat?

 

Then all of a sudden my foot and leg were wet,

The overweight man spilled his free drink, I bet.

 

I really started to regret flying coach,

What’s going to show up next, a cockroach?

 

There was some turbulence followed by fear,

But then we landed and I gave out a cheer.

 

I thanked God for vodka as I rushed off the flight,

Safe travels to all, and to all a good night!

 

Have you had any nightmarish experiences while flying?

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Filed under Silva Nuggets (Random)