Author Archives: Silva Gang

Letters to Our Cat

This blog post is dedicated to all you cat people out there, and our blogosphere bestie, Cassie Behle (and her cat Chloe), who is unfortunately too busy with wedding planning to dedicate herself to her blog right now. Don’t worry Cass, we fully understand that wedding planning and dealing with diamonds and cake take priority over writing blog posts about cat crap and hairballs. We certainly do not want to see you turn into a crazy-old-spinster who dies and has her face eaten off by 50 cats. Yes, it happens!

Now onto our regularly-scheduled blog post: Letters to Our Cat…

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Dear Cat,

Effective immediately, you will stop going around the house as if you own it. You do not own it. We pay the bills. Stop annoyingly scratching at closed doors, turning on and off light switches, taunting the dog, biting the leaves off our plants, and eating our breakfast when it sits out on the counter.

If you cannot come to terms with this arrangement, we will be forced to evict you.

Sincerely,

Management (Your Owners)

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Dear Management (My Owners),

Effective immediately, you will stop telling me what to do. I don’t care if you own this house.

If you can’t come to terms with this arrangement, I will be forced to stare at you creepily in the dark every night while you sleep, pee on your favorite rug, vomit in your shoes, tear up your new bedspread, and poop in hard to reach places in the back of your closet.

Sincerely,

Cat

AngryCat

I have amazing resilience. I can stare all night and scare the bejesus out of you when you wake up.

Dear Cat,

You son of a @*&%#. You better sleep with one eye open, cat. One eye open!

Sincerely,

Management (Your Now-Very-Pissed-Off-Owners-Who-Will-Start-Forgetting-to-Feed-You-On-Time)

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Dear Management (My Owners-Who-Are-Now-Very-Pissed-Off-and-Own-a-Cat-Who-Is-Also-Now-Very-Pissed-Off),

I just used the litterbox and then cleaned my paws off on your pillows. I also beat up the other “sweet” cat that you make me share my room with against my will. FYI- beatings will continue until your attitudes improve.

Sincerely,

Cat

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Dear Cat,

We are throwing you out!

Sincerely,

Management (Your Almost-Happy Owners)

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Dear Management (My Almost-Happy Owners),

I scratched the hoods of all the cars parked in the garage. I peed on the wheels too. Since my diet has changed, I have also been experiencing intestinal discomfort. Hope you don’t mind the mess, but sometimes I can’t quite make it out of the garage in time, if you know what I mean. Can I come back inside?

Sincerely,

Cat

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Note: no further letters have been written at this time. Speculation is that owners are in therapy. Periodically, neighbors have reported seeing them running circles around their house, screaming and flailing back and forth in hysteria, chasing what appears to be a small–and very fast–cat.

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A Typical Work Week in the Silva Household

MONDAY…

Ninja Kitty

TUESDAY…BellaCrotch

WEDNESDAY…

DogCat

THURSDAY…

KittyLitterbox

FRIDAY…

KittyLitterboxDog

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Friendship Is a Beautiful Thing

My mother sent this to me, and I had to share it. It warmed my heart, and I was hoping it would do the same for all of you this season. Happy holidays everyone!

Cat & Mouse

FOR SALE :
One F***ing

Useless Cat

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5 Signs You’re a Crazy Cat Person

1- You have a ton of cats and cat toys. Unfortunately, your cats choose to ignore all those wonderful toys, and they play with empty toilet paper rolls and your shoelaces instead.

2- Your best friend gives you a bag of treats as a gift for your cats, and after letting them eat most of the bag, you realize that they’re from Walmart (and made in China) which fuels a sort of Kim-Kardashian-Kanye-West combination meltdown (which means that you attempt to maintain your composure, but in the end, you can’t control yourself from freaking out like a Drama King/Queen and voicing your concerns inappropriately). You grab your cell phone, call your best friend, and exclaim “Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you gave me Chinese cat treats from Walmart! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to kill my babies!”

3- You get excited… no, more like ecstatic and hysterical… over pet care items such as a special miniature hand brush and dust pan to sweep up fine granules of kitty litter. When you find items like this in the store, you actually jump for joy, raising them in the air victoriously as Rafiki did with Simba in the first Lion King movie.

Image courtesy of arthursclipart.org

4- You talk to your cats. And, I don’t mean the occasional “Here kitty, kitty!” kind of talk. I mean the kind of talking that ends up being a dialogue of sorts between you and your cat.

Crazy Cat Person: How’s my sweet girl? How was your day?

Cat: Meow.

Crazy Cat Person: Oh, I know you missed me, sweet pea! Are you hungry?

Cat: Meow.

Crazy Cat Person: Let’s see what we can do about that. Do you want your favorite catnip treats?

Cat: Meow.

5- Your cats have a first and last name… sometimes even a middle name. And, you’ve been known to use their full names when you’re angry at them, to which they consistently respond with verbal opposition.

Crazy Cat Person: Punky Mewster Miller, get down from that shelf right now!

Cat: Mrrrreeeeoooooow! Mrrrreeeeoooooow!

Crazy Cat Person: I don’t want to hear it! Get down here right now! I mean it!

Cat: Mrrrreeeeoooooow! Mrrrreeeeoooooow!

After this goes on for a while, the crazy cat person ultimately gives up and retrieves the cat from the shelf on his/her own, since the cat simply refuses to cooperate (and there’s no winning an argument with an angry cat).

Image by designer-brain courtesy of deviantart.com

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Shark Bite Media Mayhem

One of the best things we learned, we learned from all the shark bite media mayhem. We learned that the media regularly blows shark attacks out of proportion, thereby resulting in mass panic.

Recently, a California girl was standing in shallow water offshore at one of Hawaii’s beaches, and a small, 4-foot reef shark swam up and bit her calf (it was like a 4-inch bite mark). After the incident, one of the news stations reported this blurb:

Reef sharks are normally timid, but are known to mistake human legs for food.

Then, they featured a photo like this to go with their story:

I’m no expert, but that’s no timid reef shark.
Courtesy of: dailymail.co.uk

We can imagine that it was a very traumatic and scary experience for that poor girl, but it’s even more scary how the media comes up with this stuff.

How is a 20-foot great white synonymous with an itty bitty reef shark? And, how does the media know enough about a shark’s behaviors and choices to make generalizations?

Did an anchorman actually go out into the deep blue ocean to interview this elusive creature for information on its food preferences and personal life?

Anchorman: Um, yes Mr. Shark. What do you like to do in your spare time?

Shark: I swim around all day. I scare people. I eat a bunch of crap. I swim around some more. I scare more people. I eat some more crap.

Anchorman: That’s fascinating. What type of crap do you like to eat?

Shark: Personally, I love old license plates and car tires. When I can’t find any of those, I go after whatever I can get. Sometimes I mistake human legs for food. My bad.

Anchorman (biting his fingernails): Are you serious? You mistake human legs for food? How is that even possible?

Shark: It’s murky out there. Gimme a break. Sometimes I think it’s a seal, and it just ends up being some unappetizing, gristly human leg. By the way, quit biting your nails. Watching you chew on your fingers like that is making me hungry.

Anchorman (nervously): Okay, I think this interview is over. Camera crew, let’s wrap up here. I said let’s go, people! Chop, chop!

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