The Pantyhose Roll-volution

The other day, one of my friends asked me if I ever wear pantyhose. After nearly choking on my lunch and exclaiming “Oh God, no!” I explained that there was no reason for me to wear pantyhose, since I’m not a bank robber, the Duchess of Cambridge, or a pregnant woman trying to avoid varicose veins.

I will admit that Spanx is an incredibly cute name for pantyhose, but it’s still pantyhose.

I remember the days when my parents would force me to wear pantyhose to church or fancy events. The worst part was having to get into those things.

Pantyhose

They were so tight. It felt like I was squeezing a condom onto a watermelon.

That wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was dealing with the top of the pantyhose. The band would cut into my stomach, thereby creating these unflattering rolls of fat. I might as well have been a chain of sausage links.

“They’re a perfect fit for you,” my mom would say.

They were a perfect fit for a fetus, not me.

“They make your legs look nicer.”

Apparently ham hocks stuffed into matte nylon casings looked nicer than my natural legs.

My mom used to wear pantyhose almost everyday for work, and we tried to tell her that her legs looked better without it. Even the cat agreed, but she never listened.

Then one day, our old cat Speedo couldn’t take the sight of it anymore, and he took matters into his own hands:

SpeedoDestroyerOfPantyhose

Please do your part to save a cat. Ditch the pantyhose. Who’s with me?

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12 Comments

Filed under Silva Nuggets (Random)

12 responses to “The Pantyhose Roll-volution

  1. I’m with you all the way! The webbed feet are creepy. Pantyhose are hot and uncomfortable. Spanx, although able to hide a multitude of sins that panty hose can’t even touch is really pure evil. I once threw my elbow out trying to get those things on.
    Nice to see you hear again. I have missed you.

    • I’ve missed you too. I do agree that the webbed feet are the creepiest part. That and the fact that your entire crotch is basically covered in netting. It’s just weird. I feel like a mermaid caught in a net.

  2. Anonymous

    Good ole Speedo! He knew what he was doing! Have not worn those leg condoms in decades! LOL…

  3. My cat loves when I wear pantyhose, he rolls around my legs purring away.He only does that when I have pantyhose on and has never scratched at them.

    • Lucky you! Our cat hated them. My mom would have to run from the house to her car, because he would wait in the garage and hunt her like prey. He loved attacking her legs. He also loved jumping on people’s backs when they bent over, so I think he was sort of exceptionally creepy.

      • I guess I am lucky that way because if it came down to a cat attacking my legs the cat would have to go before the pantyhose. I do think it’s odd that there are so many people that hate pantyhose. They’re easy to slip on and keep my legs warm, comfy and energized all day long.

      • Touche. I think you should write a post about your love for pantyhose with a pingback to my blog, so I can weigh the benefits. I think you’re onto something here. 😉

  4. I’m with you, Traci. When I was taking up Nursing, the school required us to wear pantyhose. It was the cause of my excessive tardiness and one of the reasons I quit it and shifted to another course that was pantyhose-free.

    • I hear you. That would really suck! I have a hard enough time getting myself out the door on time for work each morning. The last thing I need is to add pantyhose to the mix! By the way, I didn’t know you were a nurse! That is an admirable profession. Good for you!

      • No, I am not a nurse. I did not push through with it. The pantyhose is one to be blamed, surely. 😛 But i agree being a nurse is an admirable depression.

  5. Heather

    Hi Silva! My name is Heather and I wanted to know if you would be willing to answer a quick question I have about your blog! If you could email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com that would be great!

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