Letters to Our Cat

This blog post is dedicated to all you cat people out there, and our blogosphere bestie, Cassie Behle (and her cat Chloe), who is unfortunately too busy with wedding planning to dedicate herself to her blog right now. Don’t worry Cass, we fully understand that wedding planning and dealing with diamonds and cake take priority over writing blog posts about cat crap and hairballs. We certainly do not want to see you turn into a crazy-old-spinster who dies and has her face eaten off by 50 cats. Yes, it happens!

Now onto our regularly-scheduled blog post: Letters to Our Cat…

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Dear Cat,

Effective immediately, you will stop going around the house as if you own it. You do not own it. We pay the bills. Stop annoyingly scratching at closed doors, turning on and off light switches, taunting the dog, biting the leaves off our plants, and eating our breakfast when it sits out on the counter.

If you cannot come to terms with this arrangement, we will be forced to evict you.

Sincerely,

Management (Your Owners)

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Dear Management (My Owners),

Effective immediately, you will stop telling me what to do. I don’t care if you own this house.

If you can’t come to terms with this arrangement, I will be forced to stare at you creepily in the dark every night while you sleep, pee on your favorite rug, vomit in your shoes, tear up your new bedspread, and poop in hard to reach places in the back of your closet.

Sincerely,

Cat

AngryCat

I have amazing resilience. I can stare all night and scare the bejesus out of you when you wake up.

Dear Cat,

You son of aΒ @*&%#. You better sleep with one eye open, cat. One eye open!

Sincerely,

Management (Your Now-Very-Pissed-Off-Owners-Who-Will-Start-Forgetting-to-Feed-You-On-Time)

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Dear Management (My Owners-Who-Are-Now-Very-Pissed-Off-and-Own-a-Cat-Who-Is-Also-Now-Very-Pissed-Off),

I just used the litterbox and then cleaned my paws off on your pillows. I also beat up the other β€œsweet” cat that you make me share my room with against my will. FYI- beatings will continue until your attitudes improve.

Sincerely,

Cat

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Dear Cat,

We are throwing you out!

Sincerely,

Management (Your Almost-Happy Owners)

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Dear Management (My Almost-Happy Owners),

I scratched the hoods of all the cars parked in the garage. I peed on the wheels too. Since my diet has changed, I have also been experiencing intestinal discomfort. Hope you don’t mind the mess, but sometimes I can’t quite make it out of the garage in time, if you know what I mean. Can I come back inside?

Sincerely,

Cat

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Note: no further letters have been written at this time. Speculation is that owners are in therapy. Periodically, neighbors have reported seeing them running circles around their house, screaming and flailing back and forth in hysteria, chasing what appears to be a small–and very fast–cat.

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12 Comments

Filed under Furry Tales

12 responses to “Letters to Our Cat

  1. It is very impressive that this angry cat can spell better than most bloggers. That staring at you all night thing always puts me over the edge. It feels like they are looking into the depths of your soul and about to mess with it.

    I like your “Silva Medal” idea. Was it there before or is it a new feature?
    Of course, I think the quote is brilliant, and the honour well deserved. πŸ˜‰

    • Ha ha! Yes, our cat has an excellent grasp of the English language. He will make that quite clear when he is hungry as well. πŸ˜‰ Silva Medal was something I started a few months ago, so yes, it is pretty new! Thanks for noticing! And yes, I agree that the newly-recognized quote is quite brilliant and hilarious!

  2. I quite like cats. I’ve had a few and have the scars on my arms to prove it. Of course if I hadn’t chosen the (attack) game we played, I wouldn’t have the scars. I really like your cat. He is the perfect stereotype of a Tom. He says all of the things I’d like to say if I had the jam when I need to say it. In the mean time, I’ll live vicariously through him.

    • Thank you! We shall trade living vicariously through each other. You can live vicariously through my cat, and I shall live vicariously through your good karma, ha ha! πŸ˜‰

  3. Thank you for the Silva Medal, Silva Gang. I am truly flattered, not to mention very surprised!

  4. Our household has recently adopted(?) a kitten whom my brother found lurking under our sofa Sunday morning, after midnight. We don’t know where Yao Ming is from but she’s made it clear she’s not going anywhere now.

    So far she has not done any major offense yet but we will be on the lookout!

    And again, VERY HILARIOUS POST!

    • Thank you, Addie! You named the kitten Yao Ming?! Hilarious! And, that is why I appreciate you being YOU. On that note, I hope little Yao Ming lives up to the hype, and grows up to be big and strong like her Chinese namesake! πŸ˜‰

  5. Pingback: Life’s Moment of Horror | BETWIXT AND BETWEEN

  6. This is flippin’ hilarious! Don’t tell my cat I said that.

  7. Cats! Enjoying your blog very much. >> Would like to invite you to take part in an onine Comedy Show. please send email for more info (thepublicblogger@zoho.com (feel free to delete this message. could not locate email address).

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