A Tribute to Mayo

Every time I see a bottle of mayo, it makes me smile.

And, not just any mayo: the Best Foods mayo. It is truly the best.

I blame my infatuation with mayo on my Hawaii upbringing. The Hawaii locals love their mayo, and they can put it on just about anything. I think that I disgust most people (who aren’t from Hawaii, of course) with the amount of things on which I am capable of putting mayo. For instance, I can make a salad dressing out of it as a vegetable dip. I also enjoy mixing it with mustard or ketchup to go with french fries. And, when I put it on a sandwich, I really lay it on thick.

There are times at the dining room table when I am eating something with mayo on it, and the hubby just stares at me with one of the following facial expressions:


It is usually accompanied by a sigh.

I assume that he is having one or more of the following thoughts:

  1. She is going to die of a heart attack before the age of 40.
  2. She is going to turn into a big fatty who will stay home all day and soak herself in a tub full of mayo.
  3. I can barely stomach my own meal while watching her slather her food with mayo like that.
  4. That mayo cost me six bucks a bottle, and she just ate two bucks.

In the past, the hubby has tried to sneakily swap out my regular mayo for light or generic mayo for my sandwiches, but he is always unsuccessful. I have spydee sense and superpowers when it comes to mayo. I can spot a fake mayo a mile away, and I am merciless if a bottle of fake mayo ends up in my house. In that respect, you can just call me “The Mayonator.” I will rip apart a fake mayo bottle with ease, destroying its contents immediately, like The Incredible Hulk tearing off a t-shirt.

Sometimes people (like my hubby) just have to learn to let go, and stop trying to force logic on an illogical world. Some things are totally unexplainable. For instance:

  1. My intense love for mayo.
  2. Why The Incredible Hulk always busted out of his t-shirt, but never his pants.
  3. Why Donald Trump thinks his fake hair looks fine, and Dolly Parton, Donatella Versace, and Kenny Loggins all think their plastic surgeries look normal.


Filed under Stories from the Stomach

12 responses to “A Tribute to Mayo

  1. Too funny! I love mayo, especially on my French Fries. I thought that was a Canadian thing.
    He-Who is like you only with ketchup. I would be sitting across from him with all those faces as he drowns a perfectly good meal in ketchup. I would add the face were I am hiding my head in my purse because he just asked for ketchup of his steak in Ruth’s Chris (I know you had one on Maui last time I was there). You should have seen the waiter’s face.

    • I knew I liked you, Michelle. You are the best. We share a mutual love for condiments. And He-Who sounds awesome. Asking for ketchup on an expensive Ruth’s Chris steak… ha ha! The funniest part about that is that they always bring it to you in a fancy dish instead of the regular bottle. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. 😉 I guess the bottle looks a little too “diner, drive-in, and divey” for these upscale dining establishments. Does He-Who blog? I shall like to follow him, especially if he likes to post about his love for condiments!

  2. Too funny, indeed. And “stop trying to force logic on an illogical world”? I hope everyone gets to do this. You made my day, Mayonator! Never really liked mayo on my sandwich, though. Gives me shivers – the bad kind.

  3. Pingback: I Love Ketchup! | Woggins Writing

  4. I also have an intense love for Mayo! I never eat my french fries without!

  5. Can’t go wrong with tobasco mayo, chipotle mayo, or dill mayo

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