No Pain, No Gain (or Hell as We Call It)

In an attempt to keep myself healthy and fit, I started seeing a naturopathic doctor (N.D.) who specializes in a more holistic approach to wellness. I guess you can also say that I was getting tired of prescription drug-pushing western medicine doctors. I figured that if I have the ability to drive a car while simultaneously curling my eyelashes, applying eyeliner and lipstick, texting, and eating a breakfast sandwich, I must also have the ability to heal myself naturally.

I’ve gotten all these great vitamins to take to stay healthy. They are natural supplements made up of ingredients like stuff that tastes like crap arabic gum, beet root, and some random animal parts… but I swear to you, they work.

Nothing like starting the day with some A-F Betafood. And yes, these are for me, not for my pet fish.

The other day, the hubby had a stomach ache, and the Tums tablets weren’t working. So, I came to the rescue and gave him a few of my natural digestive supplements:

Me: “Take the pills. I swear you’ll feel much better.”

Mike: “I don’t want to take that crap.”

Me: “Just take them, and stop being a baby.”

Mike (taking a couple pills out of my hand and smelling them): “Ugh! They smell like an outhouse on a tuna boat.”

Me: “Oh quit whining, and take them already.”

Mike (chewing the pills slowly): “These are nasty! What are these supposed to be?!”

Me: “I don’t know. Some natural stuff. Like kale and cow thyroid glands. Just drink some water to wash it down.”

Mike: “These are seriously disgusting. It’s like I’m eating horse manure out of an ashtray.”

Me: “You’ve done worse.”

Mike (pointing to the bottle of pills): “I’m never eating those again.”

Me: “Fine. I’ll be the only one who stays healthy in this house from taking these vitamins.”

Mike (with one eyebrow raised): “Mmm hmm… says the woman who washes down her vitamins with beer.”

*Silence*

Mike: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Well played, husband. Well played. I just hope my N.D. isn’t reading this blog post right now, or I’m in big trouble.

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16 Comments

Filed under Chronicles of Marriage

16 responses to “No Pain, No Gain (or Hell as We Call It)

  1. Mike has a great sense of humor. I think you should withhold dosing him until he gives you a whole stand up routine you can sell to Leno.

  2. Michelle Gillies

    These are the conversations that make a marriage.

    • Aren’t they, though?! You and He-Who have many of these memorable conversations too, I’m sure! As they say, laughter is the best medicine… or wait… is it supposed to be Prozac? Well, you get the idea. 😉

  3. “Ugh! They smell like an outhouse on a tuna boat.” Nice, Mike, nice. I will steal this and use it and claim it as my own. However, I will use the word “head” instead of outhouse. “Head” is the nautical term. HF

    • Glad we could offer you some new material to use in the Faulkner household! On a yacht trip many years ago, my friend peed in her own shoe trying to balance while using the head. It was pretty gross in that bathroom to begin with, so that didn’t make it any better. And that was on a nicer boat with amenities. I can’t imagine the head on a fishing boat! 😦

  4. cassiebehle

    I’ve never been more proud of you, my dear! 🙂

  5. That’s it! I’m taking all my medicine from now on with some sangria!

  6. cassiebehle

    You, and your blog, are lovely! So, I am giving you the Lovely Blog Award! Check out my page for the details. Congrats!

  7. Beer makes everything better 😉

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